Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Adventures of Mark McGuire and Doctor Obvious

The big news story of Monday was Mark McGuire’s admission that he had used performance enhancing drugs throughout his career. While I doubt that the astute baseball observer would consider this news, this is confirmation of what we have long suspected. To me, it seems that this admission is ill-timed, and will present McGuire with quite a challenge as the new Cardinals hitting coach. Prior to his admission, my thought was that he would be a great hitting coach, although perhaps that wouldn’t be apparent right away. His advice would begin with “swing really hard,” or “try to take a walk.” If guys were struggling at the plate despite his genius advice, I assumed that he would take them to the back room, show them some “supplements” and wait for the transformation. By mid season, I expected that the Cardinals would be one of the best hitting teams in baseball, due to McGuire’s expert insight into the mind of the hitter, or something like that. Now that he has come clean, that will presumably prohibit him from offering his pupils the real secret to his success. Now what will he do? Maybe Poo-holes can teach the team how to hit; lord knows he’s qualified.

In the spirit of McGuire’s statement of the obvious, I have compiled a list of other admissions that I hope that we will see someday.

Cecil Fielder admits that he is fat.

So does Prince.

Gilbert Arenas admits that for the good of his career, maybe he should have left his guns at home.  So does Plaxico Burress.

Hillary Swank admits that she has shark teeth, but isn’t British.

Brett Favre admits that he will retire after this season, and then changes his mind. Chris Chelios keeps playing in the AHL.

Jay Leno admits that he has a big chin.

So does Brian Mulroney.

Kaley Kuoco admits that she is very hot.

Mike Milbury admits that maybe trading Bobby Lu was a bad idea. So does Mike Kennan.

Eklund admits that he has no insider contacts, and makes crap up (e5).

Mel Gibson admits that he's not down with the Phairisees.

My brother admits that the younger brother is always superior to the older brother.

Admissions that I’d love to see, but I’m not counting on:

Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa admit that they used steroids. Clemens and Bonds won’t because that would mean that they would go to jail; Sammy won’t until he unforgets how to speak English.

Derek Jeter admits that he is overrated and has never understood why everyone loves him since he is, after all, a douche-bag.

I can dream can’t I?

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