Friday, August 28, 2009

The Most Unrealistic Thing About 300

Thinking about Frank Miller's spin on comics, got me wondering how it is he can reimagine old stories and retell them so that they are cool. I started to think of the movie 300 and the special effects, the over the top cinematography and the cast of characters. Everything was larger, more grotesque, more bloody, more slow motion-y. It also made the story unrealistic (not that that was the focus for Miller). So I got to thinking - what was the most unrealistic thing about the movie? I now KNOW the answer but here are some close answers...

1. Maybe it was the 12 foot tall god king Xerxes? I don't care how deep his voice was, still not too masculine in my mind.

2. Maybe it was the oracle floating in the air, with see through material?

3. Maybe it was Bill Parcells mutated lobster-arm brother?

4. Maybe it was the special guest star appearance of the Hunchback of Notre Dame? I think Frank gor his stories confused on this one.

All good options, but not the correct answer. The correct answer is...

300 greek dudes, no body hair!?!?! Has anyone ever been to the mediterranean? Seriously, its like everyone there is constantly wearing sweaters at the beach. It should have been the same dudes, but with this guys body hair.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

This Story is Nuts!

I can’t imagine anything that would be more embarrassing than being asked to take a gender verification test. South African runner Caster Semenya has been asked to do just that, since she has shown rapid, significant (and thus suspicious) improvement in her performance as of late. Given these improvements, and the fact that she is involved in track and field, aren’t performance enhancing drugs a more likely explanation than a questionable gender? Occum’s Razor would lead us to that conclusion. So I feel bad for her, and I hope that it turns out that she is a woman who happens to be good at her sport. I have no quarrel with her, but as you might imagine, this article got me thinking, and mockery will now ensue.

What really strikes me as odd about this story is the line “IAAF spokesman Nick Davies says the ‘extremely complex, difficult’ test has been started but the results were not expected for several weeks.” Really? How difficult and complex could such a test be? Isn’t this as simple as distinguishing between snatch and cock and balls? Shouldn’t such a test take like 5 seconds? “Yeah Jerry, she pulled her pants down. It’s definitely a sniz – I don’t see any twig and berries. Check off female on the form.” Done.

I’ve been wracking my brain for other athletes who might need gender verification tests, and none really come to mind. There are some strange specimens to be sure, like Amelie “Hank” Mauresmo, a rather masculine-looking female tennis player, some of the Chinese “women” gymnasts from the Beijing Olympics who were too young to have gender development and/or were extra-terrestrials, and the Cold War era East German “Female” Swim Team. I also thought of Mrs. Doubtfire and a he/she who works at a Tim Hortons nearby, but they don’t really qualify as athletes. There are however, quite a few athletes who need some sort of manliness verification test, which is perhaps a subset of the gender verification test, which may explain why the test is so complicated and time-consuming. So I’ve got no new candidates for gender verification, but check out the weird stuff about these dudes I discuss below.

Let’s start with Habs centre Tomas Plekanec. On the surface, beyond a penchant for wearing turtlenecks he doesn’t arouse any suspicion. However, during the 2008 playoffs after a couple of losses to the Boston Bruins, Turtlepleks was quoted "The last two games, I played like a little girl out there. I didn't respond the way I liked." Aha! Maybe he should take a gender verification test to see if he is actually a little girl. His performance during the 2008-2009 season leads me to believe that he is a little girl, or perhaps a zombie as proposed by Four Habs Fans.

While we are talking about the Habs, let’s not forget Ryan O’Byrne, and his involvement in “Pursegate” in early 2008. Ryno is a developing (read: crappy) defenseman, and we only forget about his fondness for fine feminine leather goods because he shot (and scored on) the Habs empty net last season. But recall the incident from February 2008 in which O’Byrne was arrested outside a South Tampa night club. A woman lost track of her purse, and later spotted O’Byrne holding it while waiting outside the night club. She promptly called the police. Does the desire to collect women's handbags mean that he should take a gender verification test? Of course it doesn’t. But something isn’t right with this dude.

Keeping with the purse theme, perhaps you remember this historically accurate, unaltered photo of Alex Rodriguez from the 2004 ALCS. With one out and Derek Jeter on first base in the bottom of the eighth inning, A-Rod hit a slow roller between the pitcher's mound and the first base line. Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo fielded the ball and ran towards Rodriguez to apply a tag. As Arroyo reached towards him, Rodriguez swatted at his glove, knocking the ball loose. As the ball rolled away, Jeter scored all the way from first as Rodriguez took second on the play, which was initially ruled an error on Arroyo. However, the umpires quickly huddled, then ruled that Rodriguez was out for interference. Jeter was sent back to first base, his run nullified. This incident lead to many referring to him as a ‘pussy’, or ‘bitch’ which seems reasonable given that he carries his purse with him during baseball games. Again a gender verification test is not necessary, but this was a d-bag move. As much as I don’t really like A-Rod, I dislike Jeter even more (that might make a good blog post!) and I am continually mystified as to how the media treats him like he’s Jean Frickin' Beliveau.

A more likely candidate for gender verification would be current Toronto Maple Leaf Tomas Kaberle, who despite being 31 years old, has never, ever shaved. This clearly indicates a lack of testosterone and an excess of estrogen. So maybe this guy should get tested. I’d say that we should wait to see if he can grow a playoff beard, but he plays for the Leafs, so that ain’t happening.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

What Is Tat?

Whatever it is, it must be pretty good. I mean if you are making a trade of Tit for Tat, straight up, you must be getting pretty good value. I think most people know how good Tit is, so it follows that Tat must be pretty good too. I would like to find this so called Tat.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Awesome Conversation

When I say awesome conversations, these could include:
- the breakup conversation
- the conversation where the doctor tells you its prostate checking time
- the conversation you have with your boss in the locker room showers
- the conversation you have when your significant other asks you where you've been all night and then finds "Julie's" phone number in your jacket pocket

They could also include the conversation I just had.

[man 1]: "You're going to have to give the presentation to the president of the company when he comes in later this month"
[me]: "Ok. You want me to prepare this presentation?"
[man 1]: "No need. I"ll put something together and I'll keep it simple. You know, just down to the nuts and boats. "


Monday, August 17, 2009

%Clubs Girls Would Like to Join%

In my attempts to meet women, I've been thinking about social associations where people with common interests would gather to interact in a communal setting. What sort of clubs would attract the most "interesting" of women? I will put forth a number of suggestions!
1. I start with an easy one: the CHESS club. I mean, you may think that these are the worst places to meet "interesting" women but in fact these are the place where you could find the freakiest of the freaks! I mean what type of girl goes to a CHESS club meeting unless she is looking to mate (even if it is a check mate). Here, she will find people who will try to put her in a forked position or try and skewer or pin her. Never mind that the events are often timed and really good players often entertain a number of different opponents in simultaneously. Even if they don't play, maybe they just like to watch.

2. What about the Noblemen Of the Dewey Decimal Illustriate? Becuase their name speaks of their history (it was previously limited to only male membership) the club has been hard pressed to recruit a large female enrollment. Now that the word is out, there is a large contingency of NODDI women. Imagine that, a club where NODDI behaviour is encouraged! And who doesn't want to meet NODDI women?

3. If you have a penchant for the mathematical and role playing, I recommend Abacus & Slide Ruler's. In this association you'll be transported back to a time where you'll meet medieval mathematicians and some barmaids, wenches, trollops and strumpets. Plus, you get the super-duper wicked cool t-shirt that plainly says "Lets make like the Fibonacci Series" in abacus. Its kinda like writing 5,318,008 on a calculator and then flipping the calculator upside down.

4. Cartographers Anonymous - The key word here is anonymous. No strings attached to the relationships you'll form here. The girls you meet here will take you to the ends of the earth and want to take you into uncharted territory. You'll get to explore places where no man has ever trespassed before and come home to tell about it. Make sure you bring the proper provisions as this club tends to attract women that like to rough it.

I've left out some of the more obvious clubs (Comic Book Club, LAN Clubs, The Binary Society, Harry Pottery, etc) simply because they are so busy, you'll have a hard time really connecting with the hot girls you will undoubtedly meet there. Stick to these more exclusive clubs and you'll do fine.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I Love Rock Band

Check out these recent Rock Band results on hard level from Dr. and Mrs. Handsometeeth, with Mrs. slappin' her bass and Dr. rockin' the mike, y'all. Time to move on to expert methinks!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Burden of Expectation

DISCLAIMER: I am not married, so the analogy I am about to use isn't first hand information, but it is what I think marriage would be like.

I wanted to comment on Alex Rios, the former RF for the BJ's. He was a first round pick of the Blue Jays and was a highly touted prospect coming up through the minor leagues. He is tall, athletic, and can hit the crap out of the baseball. Problem is, it appears he's not always wanting to hit the baseball. His onfield production has teased the BJ's for seasons and he has actually shown glimpses of fulfilling his potential by making two All Star games. The expectations of Rios was for him to be a cornerstone of the team, leading the team in HR and RBI whilst playing gold golve caliber defense. These expectations lead to the BJ's signing Rios to a long term, expensive contract (~60 million remaining). If only you could build a team on expectations.

Recently, the BJ's put Rios on waivers and he was picked up the WhiteSox for nothing. The BJ's decided it was better to be without Rios, and all his talent, than spend money for which they did not think they were getting the proper return. As a fan, this is completely infuriating as Rios was an asset, why not trade him and get something in return?

This had me thinking of the burden of expectations; you can't live up to them. And to think that you can go through life without expecting from people or people expecting from you is absurd. To me, this is self evident every time I go to a wedding and hear vows being exchanged. Basically, its a verbal, public statement of what the expectations of the marriage are (not to mention the non-public expectations). I can bet that most guys at one point thought that one of the perks of being married is sweet action, whenever you want. Awesome... in theory. I'd sign a long term contract on that for sure! I wonder how many marriages acutally live up to expectations? And like I mentioned previously, to think that you can go into marriage with no expectations is unreasonable. What is important is how people react when the expectations aren't met. Do they fly off the handle? Become depressed and think life is over? Or do they readjust their expectations and move forward with this new reality?
Below is a commentary from a WhiteSox fan and their opinion of the Rios claim.
Score another one for Kenny Williams. It almost never happens that players as talented Alex Rios can be acquired without surrendering anything in return. In Rios, they brought in a player who is about to start getting expensive, but one who figures to age well and live up to his contract.
The Jays can point to the fact that Rios' numbers have dipped in an effort to justify the move, and it is entirely possible that his OPS will end up declining for a third straight year this season. However, Rios is more than just his OPS. He's a legitimate center fielder who had no business being shoved to a corner for a declining
Vernon Wells. He's a very durable player whose only DL stint in six years as a major leaguer came about because of an infected leg. He's an excellent basestealer, succeeding on 82 percent of his attempts over the last three years.
Rios will make $9.7 million next year and then $49 million over the following four years, so it's not a move without risk for the White Sox. Still, his durability and defensive value makes a collapse very unlikely. Even if he wanders aimlessly and never lives up to his potential, his athleticism should guarantee that he's something close to an average regular. It's more likely that he'll have a couple of All-Star campaigns in Chicago and prove to be a modest bargain.
Sounds to me like the WhiteSox are just entering into dating stage. You'll notice that the excerpt is riddled with expectations. Maybe Rios will learn from a broken relationship, but in my experience people are who they are, and they don't change very much. I think you could easily rewrite the above commentary, as a guy describing his new girlfriend to his buddies.
Score another one for ME. It almost never happens that a hotty like Sally can be acquired without surrendering anything in return. In Sally, I've found a sweet sugar who is about to start getting expensive, but one who figures to age well and live up to her potential. Her ex can point to the fact that Sally has become a bitch in an effort to justify the move, and it is entirely possible that she will be bitchy for a third straight year this season. However, Sally is more than just her bitchy-ness. She's a legitimate hotty who had no business being shoved to a corner for a declining secretary, Anne. She's very durable whose only DL stint in six years as a major lover came about because of an infected 'you know what'. She's an excellent cook, succeeding on 82 percent of her new recipe attempts over the last three years. Sally will cost $9.7 million next year and then $49 million over the following four years, so it's not a move without risk for ME. Still, her durability and cooking value makes a collapse very unlikely. Even if she wanders aimlessly and never lives up to her potential, her athleticism should guarantee that she's something close to an average regular. It's more likely that she'll have a couple of All-Star campaigns in the sack and prove to be a modest bargain.
I guess I have to thank the BJ's for teaching a lesson of expectations.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Aerosmith Cancels Concerts Because Steven Tyler is a Female Zombie

The spin on this story is that Aerosmith has to cancel concerts because Tyler fell off stage or something, and broke assorted body parts (hips being the most plausible given that he is about 90), thus he cannot perform. But we know the truth - zombies don't get hurt! Word is that Tyler plans to leave Aerosmith so that he can audition for the role of Mrs. Skeletor in an upcoming live action (undead action in Tyler’s case) Masters of the Universe film.
Barring that, he and Keith Richards can form a new band, The Greatful Undead.

Nice moustache douchebag!

Go away already!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Patrick Kane: Not on My Rec Hockey Team

I am the organizer of a rec hockey team. We have a decent squad – we are consistently placed in about the middle division of the league, we always make the playoffs, and we always challenge for first in our division. In the 4 or 5 years that we have been in the league we have won one Stanley Cup, and lost in the finals once. We have a mixture of talent from guys who never played youth hockey to guys who played up to midget AAA or even junior B. We have a mix of personalities. We aren’t all friends, but we get along pretty well, and we go out for beers after the games from time to time.

Our season runs September through March and we play 30 games plus playoffs. Each game has two refs, a scorekeeper, and the league keeps online stats and standings. As you might imagine, the league fees aren’t cheap. A roster of 16-18 guys will put the share of league fees somewhere in the $500-$600 range per person. Before registering the team and paying a deposit, I ask the guys if they want to play again, and I tell them what the fees will be and when they are due. Every year I get enough guys who say they in, so I go ahead and register the team. But despite the fact that I have known all the guys for a few years and there is some camaraderie, I have trouble getting the guys to pay their fees on time. Without fail, every year I am hounding guys right up to the deadline, and in the past other guys who have organized the team have still been looking for money well beyond the deadline. I don’t know exactly why, but people seem to hate paying hockey fees. The reasons the guys come up with are lame to awesome. They range from “Oh I’ll get you next time,” to “Oh don’t worry, you know I’m good for it,” to “My wife forgot to give me the cheque,” to “I need our stock price to go up” (really? Sorry for messing with your retirement savings).
On the surface, Patrick Kane seems to be an awesome guy to have on your rec hockey team. He seems personable enough, he likes to go out drinking, he makes good money, and for sure he is a heck of a hockey player. But based on the latest news about him, I’m pretty sure that I would not want him on my team. You see, according to TSN, Kane and his cousin have been charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor theft of services and criminal mischief, stemming from an incident with a Buffalo cab driver (pictured above). The driver alleges that he was punched by both men because he did not have 20 cents in change to give them for cab fare. The police report states that the cab driver suffered cuts to his face and his glasses were damaged.

So Kane and his cousin knocked the crap out of a cab driver when he didn’t have 20 cents to give them in change. TSN are kind enough to remind us that last year Kane’s salary was $875 000 US, and was likely topped up with some bonuses and endorsements. So 20 cents (which represents 0.00002% of his salary) is enough to get Kane excited. Can you imagine trying to extract fees for a rec hockey team from this guy? $600 is like 0.07% of his salary! Cripes, I expect that I would be after him all season long as he tried to squeeze out every last cent of interest that his share of fees would get him if it stayed in his bank account. I would ask after each game; the best case scenario is that he’d say “Oh I forgot, I’ll get you next time,” the worst case scenario is that he’d lay the smack down on me like he did to Mr. Cabdriver. “You want my league fees!” he’d bellow at me. Then turning to the guys in the room, “If you want me to kick his a$$ give me a hell yeah!” before pummeling me. "And that's the bottom line, cuz Pat Kane said so!"

Kane grew up in Buffalo, and was in the city to attend an announcement from the mayor detailing funding for some improvements at a rink Kane played in as a kid. We can only wonder what might have happened if Kane had been paid just 20 cents (more) in appearance fees. Maybe looking in his pocket at two shiny dimes he would have thought “No, you can keep the 20 cents as a tip Mr. Cabdriver, it’s ok, I earned 20 cents extra today,” and exited the vehicle peacefully. Who would wait for 20 cents change from a cab ride anyway? Heck, I’m cheap, I don’t make nearly as much as Kane, and I wouldn’t think twice about change unless the cabbie owed me like 4 of 5 bucks. I can’t wait to get out of a cab – I’m always worried that they will slap on some other surcharge if I sit in it for too long. How is it that a cab ride from the airport costs like 6 bucks before you move 2 feet? Are cab fees calculated by airlines? (Ooohh, you want to take luggage with you….that will be an extra $50.) And I'm going to make a wild assumption that Kane was probably out drinking prior to getting in the cab, given that he in his early 20s, he just back to his home town, and it was 4 am when this all when down. Do you think he asked for change from the bartenders each time he got a drink? Can you picture a half-dressed shooter girl throwing booze down his throat? He hands her a five, she stuffs it into her cleavage and walks away, but Kane taps her on the shoulder and says "Where's my 25 cents change?"
Anyway, I digress. The good news is that Kane is a free agent after the 2009-2010 NHL season, so we can look forward to some spirited negotiations. Maybe Kane should hire Scott Boras to represent him to extort as much as possible from the Hawks. Or maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin.