Friday, July 31, 2009

What Does the Emperor Do On His Free Time?

Lets relive one of the important scenes in Return of the Jedi. The movie is at the point where Luke is with Yoda and Han Solo is leading a squadron to Endor to deactivate the force field protecting the new Death Star. Darth Vader comes into the Emperor's executive corner office and reports that a shuttle has been allowed to land on Endor.

"Send the fleet on the far side of Endor. There it will stay, until called for."

This scene in Return of the Jedi shows the evilness and the intelligence of the Emperor. He knows more and sees more than even Darth Vader.

However it also shows a different side of the Emperor, a side that isn't immediately obvious. As the scene progresses, we get to see that the Emperor has visitors. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS? They are dressed in some weird robes, wear makeup and have eerie child-molestor grins on their faces. Why are they even in this scene? They serve no purpose. They have no lines and if they weren't there we wouldn't miss them at all.

So who are they? Here are my guesses.

1. High School Buddies - Imagine your the CEO of an evil empire. It would be cool to have your highschool buddies over to hang out, drink beer, reminisce about the younger years, and relive past female encounters. Sometimes business gets in the way, but you deal with it and then continue to hang out...

2. Massage Therapists - Imagine you're 80 years old but look like your 350 years old. You've taxed your body by doing things you shouldn't be able to do, using the dark side of the Force. Walking, sitting, eating - these are all things are more painful than they should be. Enter the massage therapists.

3. Ghey little friends - There is no Mrs Palpatine is there?

4. Robin Hood and Little John - For some reason this reminds me of the Disney version of Robin Hood where Robin Hood and Little John dress up to rob Prince John. These two crossdressers, plan to take Palps lightsaber! I guess that makes Darth Vader, Sir Hiss.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Fake baking causes cancer: Duh

Although we probably always suspected that tanning beds could cause cancer, we now know it to be true. A cancer-researching arm of the World Health Organization today published research in the medical journal Lacent Oncology declaring that skin cancer risk increases by 75% if you fake bake, and also that UV rays cause worrisome mutations in mice. The study elaborates to suggest that the risk of getting cancer from using tanning beds is comparable to being a smoker, a chimney sweep, or being infected by hepatitis B. Presumably then we shouldn't expect to run across too many orange-skinned chimney sweeps who like to light up after getting nasty with a hooker in Shanghai.

What's really important in this story are the photos that various news outlets chose to run to illustrate tanning bed usage. Since these photos were found in mainstream publications, I must assume that they are representative of the typical tanner. Apparently most tanning beds are found in psychedelic night clubs that charge you 20 bucks for cover so that you can listen to techno music and sip glowing $15 highballs laced with Ecstasy while you browse at the in-house Speedo boutique. If these two dudes use tanning beds, shouldn't we be happy that they cause cancer? Wouldn't we be better off without these douche-bags walking around? In any case, I doubt that the second guy could be harmed by UV light because he is most likely a Terminator.

A Guide To Understanding Women

I believe that it is well known that women are delicate creatures. This is often viewed from the perspective of physical strength, and on average, I believe that when compared to men it is accurate to view them as such. That being the case, when you are playing co-rec (i.e. bisexual) sports, there is no need to slide tackle girls while playing soccer. Or blast shots on net upon an obvious beginner female goalie! Its amazing how some guys lose their minds as soon as the scent of competition hits the air... Anyways, I digest...
I've also wondered about what are the motivating factors that control how emotionally/phsycologically stable a girl is. With that in mind, I present the following chart.

One would like to hope that the hotness and craziness of woman are independent variables. Plotting data is one way to determine if there is a linear, or other, relationship between the way a woman looks and how messed up she is.
A number of things that are immediately obvious when looking at this plot.
1. Minimal hotness and minimal craziness puts you in the Plain Jane Zone. My theory is that women view this as the WORST place to be. There is nothing extraordinary about your life. That means no romance, no adventure, no need for shopping and definitely no drama or stuff to cry about.
2. As people age, they tend to not look as good as they did in their more youthful days. As a man, the best you can hope for is that your partner ages gracefully, without going crazy.
3. Where a single woman plots is time variant. Plotting the path of women can tell you a lot, from where she has been to where she may end up. Consider the path of Britney Spears. Early on she would have been thought of as an attractive, talented young woman. As time passed, her craziness most definitely increased and ultimately impacted on how she looked. She progressed clear across the plot space occupying spaces reserved for the craziest of the crazies!
4. Every mans plot will be different, even for the same woman.

I think men could deal with women a bit better if they truly understood what they were getting into when entering a relationship. The "mythical" equilibrium line, would represent an accurate method in which a man would be given a fair warning - if you date really hot women be ready for some extreme craziness. At that point a man can decide what they are willing to deal with.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. The best one can hope for is a woman who is hot, maintains the hotness whilst not being sucked into the black hole of craziness.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Out Punting Your Coverage

I believe it is every mans dream to outpunt his coverage. What does that mean exactly? Its origin is from football vernacular but essentially, you've punted the ball so well that there isn't sufficient time for your coverage team to get the punt returner in time so as to tackle him upon his catching the football. This is a metaphor for the scenarios in which average looking men end up with drop dead gorgeous women. For example, Michael Douglas with Zeta-Jones. How the freak did that happen? Old balls Douglas, who got one of the best roles ever in Fatal Attraction ends up, in real life, with Ms. Best Laser Ass Ducking Scene Ever! Or Lyle Lovett... although, that call was overturned when the officials got a second look at the play...

My theory is that men need to get off as many punts as possible in the hopes that you get a good one. However, despite the fact that your pushing the other team deep into their own end of the field, the the problem with outpunting your coverage is the return is usually pretty good. This can be thought of the high cost keeping such an extraordinary female happy. The expectations of such a good punt are usually pretty high! Is it worth it?
Don't even get me started on on-side kicks.

Or punting out of your own endzone and the risk of stepping out of bounds for an automatic safety...

For Our Friend Brine

He’s not afraid to sweat, whether running or riding the bus.
He has ended an argument....with a face twitch.
He can camouflage himself while wearing his bright yellow rain jacket.
He's not afraid to cry - if the joke is funny enough.
He’s a technical geophysicist, not a fighter - but he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas...
He once drew a triangle – with 4 sides.
He can take the square root of -1, and not get an imaginary number.
He can recite pi to 1 million decimal places.
He once proved that 4 is a prime number.
At a sports stadium he'll deconvolve the wave.
He can divide a number by zero, and get a real answer.
He runs prestack migration…poststack.
He does wave equation migration, without equations.
He can make S-waves travel in fluids.
He does AVO analysis, with no offsets.
He does time-lapse interpretation….with no monitor survey.
He removes multiples….with mirrors.
When he showers, his soap gets cleaned.
He once prevented WWIII…by fly-fishing.
He likes his sushi….cooked.
He can read Braille…with his eyes.
He listens to sign language.
Google asks him where to find things.
He can speak 15 languages, in Newfinese.
He puts his foot down, as long as it’s all right with his wife...
He guided the Mars texting.
When he goes fishing, the fish jump into his hands.
When he farts, angels sing.
He plays soccer…without a ball.
He has prevented bleeding putting tape on his nipples.
He admonishes, and the pope listens.
He a handsome gentleman...and finds some gentlemen handsome.
He eats butterscotch donuts, and time stops.
He once got a refund from a charity, for making too generous a donation.
Bill Gates asked him for help installing Vista.
He has more knowledge than Wikipedia.
He connects to the internet with his mind.
His wife never has a headache.
Beavers think he works too hard and Lions consider him royalty.
He has a big deck, and he'll invite you to come sit on it...

He is the most interesting man in the world....

Monday, July 20, 2009

So Much For 50-50

Sometime I feel like Halladay will get traded and sometimes I feel like he won't. I don't get any insider information so I don't really have any insight as to what team is the favorite or what it is that teams are offering for the greatest BJ ever - but I can give you some Eklund-like updates and say that sources have told me that the BJ's are considering something and they may decide on something soon (e5)... stay tuned!

Anyways, I figure that there are a couple ways that this whole Halladay scenario can go down.

1. JP makes a good trade and the BJ's get what they've stated they've wanted this whole time - a number 1 pitching prospect and a number 1 hitting prospect close to major league ready. I figure a bunch of high risk high reward prospects are thrown in to round out the trade and it really will look like the BJ's have set themselves up for the future (I'd like K. Drabek, D. Brown and J. MacDonald from the phillies por ejemplo - I just looked at their stats and Drabek isn't that big of a guy. Makes me worried about potential injury problems)
2. JP sticks to his guns and because no one has met his asking price, Halladay stays with the BJ's and he remains the best pitcher for the rest of this year and the next.
I don't even want to consider the case where JP makes a crappy trade - we get rid of the best pitcher ever, and we get nothing in return. That would smell of cost cutting measure in my eyes. This could have all be avoided I think if Wells and Rios actually remembered how to play baseball. The BJ's would be in contention and it would be ludicrous to consider trading Halladay.
Its pretty hard to get excited about BJ's this year... not something you'd hear very often.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Pedro Hurt While Signing with Phils

When I think about it, I am kind of surprised that this has not happened to someone else already. There are a ton of chronically injured athletes. But to be honest with you, although he is a guy who is always hurt, Pedro Martinez is not the most obvious choice for the first guy to get hurt while signing a new deal. And make no mistake, he was hurt signing the contract. ESPN says that Pedro passed a physical before signing. So if he wasn't hurt while signing, what other explanation is there?

If I had to pick athletes who would be most likely to get hurt while signing, I think I' d go with either Marian Gaborik or Nomar Garciaparra. Picture this, Gabby is about slap on the signature, but drops the pen onto the floor. It lands under the table, so he he taps it with his foot. It's one of those big fancy fountain pens, so its kind of heavy, and he strains his groin in the process. As for Nomar, his name itself makes signing a risky venture. Look at all of the letters! How could he possibly scribble down N-O-M-A-R .... without cramping up, given how sore his wrists must be from undoing/doing up his batting gloves? Don't forget the chance of a paper cut, or the strain of carrying a briefcase. Sheesh.
Word is the Phils are looking at Mark Prior if Pedro doesn't work out (e5).

Three Wolves T-Shirt

If I only knew this is what I needed to get me some fine ladies!
The reviews really capture the power of the t-shirt

Monday, July 13, 2009

Homerun Champ

5'11'', 270 lbs....smacked one over 500 feet.... is there a greater fathlete than Prince Fielder?


Is it surprising that Kim Jong Il, is sick?

It's like saying John Little, is short.

Or Tom Baker, likes flour and ovens.

Or Harold Richards is....

Dear Dana White

Why don't you get your own DNA?!


Andre Agassi


Captivate, the elevator tv company, put as one of todays top stories - 65% of Canadians don't like minority governments. Really? What you are saying is "the majority of people don't like the minority of the people".
I guess I shouldn't really make fun, considering that Captivate does give me most of the news of the day.
In other breaking news, vegetarians don't like to eat meat.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Bathroom Reading for Your Sunday Morn....

It's a slow news day/couple of days, so I am posting out of obligation rather than necessity.
  • If you like guys hug-fighting, you would have loved UFC 100 last night. George St. Pierre beat up some guy and won via decision, and Brock Lesnar decommissioned the former Soviet Space Station Mir. Afterwards, in a tribute to his WWE roots, he managed to spit 10-12 litres of saliva whilst speaking in a post match interview. Sadly, Mean Gene was absent.

  • 99 is doing some legal stuff with the city of Glendale. Apparently the court wants access to Gretz's personal finances, and 99 wants to keep his (or his wife's) gambling secrets private.

  • Steve Harper met with Pope Benny for 90 minutes to discuss economic and moral issues. They even exchanged gifts with Benny scoring a glass vase (perhaps to hold Holy Water from oilsands tailings ponds?) and Steve the recipient of a +3 pen of Ignatieff besmirching.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

We'll Miss Miss You Saku (Sort of)

I won't write much about Saku moving on to skate with Teemu in the O.C. I think Mike Boone on Habsinsideout has an excellent tribute that sums up the character of Saku Koivu. I share those sentiments; Saku Koivu worked hard, gave his all, put up with a lot of crap, and always stayed classy. I am sad to see him go as he is the type locality for what a captain should be. But from a hockey standpoint, I'd rather have Gomez as my number one centre (it just sucks that his contract is ridiculous), and I'd rather have Pleks as my #2, since he is basically a younger version of Koivu. Max Laps is an ideal agitator at #3, and let a young guy or a plumber have the #4 centre spot. So I'll miss you Saku. It's not your fault that the Habs sucked ass last year. It would have been nice to see you accept the cup from Bettman in your Habs jersey, but let's face it, barring some huge surprises you will be retired before the Habs can win a cup anyway.

What to do with Halladay

If the BJ's trade Halladay, the kind of return I would want is ridiculous. And even if some team were to agree to the ridiculousness, I would still feel as though the BJ's got the bad end of the deal. Being emotionally attached to a player usually means that said player is good. You've attached good feelings to seeing this player because when he's dealing, you're team always wins. Being so attached that you're not sure if you'd ever trade Halladay for anything means you're likely never to see talents like his in a BJ's uniform again.
The one trade that comes close to what I would expect for Halladay is the Miggy Cab and Willis trade from the Marlins to the Tigers. The Tigers pretty much emptied their prospect treasure chest for these two players, neither of which are as good as Halladay. Unless we get back this era's Ted Williams, Bob Gibson, Willie Mays and throw in Albert Pujols, I won't be happy.
I think what I'm really saying is that if Halladay is traded, no matter what they get back in return, I'll be crying. I just pray to the little baby Hay-zeus that it isn't to the yanks or redsox.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Way to Protest/Your Opinion Doesn’t Count Anyway

This past Sunday, with the hope of Kovy captaining the Habs swelling in their bosoms, a bunch of Habs fans rallied before the Centre Bell in an attempt to coerce Bob Gainey into re-signing Alex Kovalev. What devotion! I’d call this short-term memory loss, but I’m not sure if that adequately describes the ability to remember the final few weeks of last season, forget the rest of it, remember the entire 07-08 season, and then forget the previous two seasons. What other explanation is there? In his tenure with the Habs (and really most of his career) Kovalev has been maddeningly inconsistent. Sure he is capable of being the best player on his team and carrying his mates for long stretches, but he is just as capable of dragging down the team for nights on end. Don’t forget that he is like 36, so his best days are most likely behind him. So to the now crestfallen ralliers I say get over it already. Way to selectively remember the best parts, and forget the crappy parts. And for Christ’s sake find something better to do. Like blogging for example.

This Monday, following the rally, Bobby G felt the need to address the Habs fans on Montreal Radio. Let me paraphrase his message: “We offered Kovy a deal; he took too long to decide, so we gave his money to someone who may be small, but will probably be less frustrating. Why don’t you cry?”

So now Kovy is a member of Les Senateurs d’Ottawa. If the chemistry is right, I ‘magine he will line up with Spezza and Alfie, which should ensure that he has a big season, making Bobby G look bad in the process. I suppose it is just as likely that he will drag those guys down and/or find himself on another line, and will post his habitual 65ish point season, despite leading all forwards in ice time. Will you miss that?

Not that I am advocating this, but if you really feel the need to take up a social cause, why not protest in favour of re-signing Koivu? Saku is not a guy whose heart can be questioned. He has survived cancer (returned in the same season as being diagnosed!), a near on-ice eye-ectomy, played #1 centre minutes without a #1 centre body, and perhaps most impressively, put up with the French media questioning how the captain of the Montreal Canadiens couldn’t speak French. Saku’s skills may be diminished, but why not pile on Bob to sign Saku to a reduced dollar, reduced minutes character role?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Albert Poo-holes is the Shit

336 AVG, 33 HR and 82 RBI's? Are you friggin kidding me? All that is needed now is for him to be suspended for steroids/HGH. These numbers are so ridiculous that it makes Prince Fielders numbers (313 AVG, 22 HR and 76 RBIs) look mediocre. Vernon Wells needs to learn how play ball like these guys. It must be because playing CF is much more taxing physically than it is to play firstbase.

Dear Vernon
I can help improve your numbers.
Bernard Madoff

One of these things does not belong

Hint: Tiger Woods is on pace to win more majors than anyone else in golf his'try. Roger Federer has just won more tennis majors than Mr Charisma (whose most interesting on court display was puking during a match). The third guy in this picture wears pinstripes and couldn't play firstbase better than the 20 HR 61 RBI guy manning firstbase now.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

My Man Crush Grows Stronger

Roger Federer is now officially the greatest tennis player ever (as though he wasn't before today) after defeating Andy "where the F did that match come from" Roddick, who, as his middle name might suggest, channeled the ailing Raffa Nadal to give Federer a run that few expected. It took 5 Fing sets, with Federer finally clinching 87-85 in the fifth, before shaking hands with some second-rate member of the royal family who stuck around to give Rog his trophy and Roddick his pie platter. In all seriousness, props to Roddick for not losing a service game until the bitter end. It was a good match, but nothing like last year's epic Rog-Raffa.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Bathroom Reading for Your Saturday....

I hope this morn (almost aft) finds our legions of readers well. Take your lapper to the crapper and consider:

Friday, July 3, 2009

Nash Signs in Columbus!

Thank the little baby Hayzoos in the cradle! As reported by TSN, Rick Nash has signed an 23-year, $7 billion contract with the Columbus Blue Jackets. Why am I so excited? Because now we won't have to hear endless speculation that he will sign with the Leafs next year. After all, he is a "Brian Burke-type player," (really? like Colton Orr - 5 points, -15, 193 Pims last year - or Mikhail Grabovski, commander douche-bag), is from Brampton, and clearly would love to line up with Lee Stempniak and that mmmbop kid from Hanson to pad his stats.
So thanks non-Doug McLean GM in Columbus! You made my day!


Here we go, Chongs on Missus is alive!